I want to have a great big family.
But I am scared to have that second kid.
I have a vision of myself as an old woman in a pink jogging suit with the poofy hair and I'm surrounded by my adult children, grandchildren, and maybe even a tiny great-grand child or two. RJ's sitting in his rocking chair on the porch banging his fist and looking crotchety while children clammer for his attention, but secretly loving every second of it.
I grew up in a family of four which was GREAT. It was easy to go places all together. My sister was my companion and playmate (and hair-pulling target). The size of our family allowed me plenty of one-on-one time with each of my parents, a few really nice family vacations, and more than enough extra-curricular activities. Four is a good, solid number.
But I was always a tiny bit jealous of the family down the street with four daughters. How fun to have three different sisters to fight with, play alongside, and share clothes. Or a brother would have been a blast!
Even my dad having two brothers rather than one made for fun holiday gatherings. The extra sibling added an extra dimension of craziness, and additional grandkids. I love a good party full of people.
But I'm also a downtime kind of gal. I need my alone time, my veg-out and pick-up a good book time. I am not picky about cleanliness and clutter, but my husband is, so having the house picked up by 5pm is a must. Noise doesn't bother me, but too much activity in one day and you'll see my shoulders tense and hear my voice rise an octave.
And lets be honest, I live for Landon's naps. During one nap I clean, prep for meals, organize, etc. The second nap I rest, read a book, surf the net, play with the dog, rest. I am selfish with my time.
And I am selfish for my one-on-one with Landon. I love being able to go thrift store shopping or walk the mall with him. It's easy with just one kid - pack some snacks and go. He'll give me a full hour. Or the beach with one kiddo is fun. We dig in the sand, play at the water's edge, swing on the playground.
How do you do all that with two kids? Or more?
I admire the many mother's I know with more than one kidlet. Particularly at this stage, when everyone is home, together, all day long. And while I do love you ladies, and you pull it off better than I ever would, half of you look exhausted. When you describe your day I wonder if you got any "me" time. Or at least any personal time before 1 am.
But then I wonder, am I selfish for wanting to space my kids apart so I can have more time for me? Isn't being a mother learning how to give yourself up? Or does that thinking just make for a bunch of stressed-out, overworked mothers? Should we be more considerate of ourselves?
My husband is a great father, but he is very easily overwhelmed by chaos. RJ needs the home to be a sanctuary. He is working on learning how to breath deeply and handle the crazy days, but it's still hard for him. And as his wife I don't want to overwhelm my man. Home should be a place he's excited about.
So, there you have it. I want a bunch of kids (4!). I actually crave the craziness of a bunch of children. And the idea of a future Saturday afternoon with a little league game, soccer practice, ballet recital, and surf session excites me.But I'm not sure we can handle it. Thankfully I am still young so I could have a two or three 3 years apart and still adopt before I am 35. But, ultimately I must remember that the Lord will choose our family.
So there you have it, in case anyone was wondering, we won't be "trying" for another year or so, unless the Lord tells us otherwise (and we must be diligent to pray for His will). And then we will be taking it one-by-one.
And I ask, if you have more than one child, how did you handle the transition from one to two (or more)?
Or how many would you like?
