Sunday, June 13, 2010

Kelly Corrigan books (The Middle Place; Lift) and videos (Transcending; Mother's Day Note) always make me cry.

I wish I could write the way Kelly does. She's poignant and funny, light and serious, comfortable and real. She comes across the page as a friend. Someone sitting right next to you sharing life stories over a glass of wine. Her battle with cancer, and the humor she can draw from a desperate situation, make her an inspiration; but it's easy to see that her relationships - mother, wife, daughter, friend - define her.

Kelly's obvious delight in family and motherhood are what draw me to her. She implicitly states in Lift that the most important role she'll ever play is Mother. She finds great JOY in motherhood despite the mundane and difficult moments. I too am finding that being Landon's mother has no equal.

Now I do differ from her in that motherhood is not the most important relationship in my life. The Lord is first. For it is He who gave me everything - including my son. And RJ is second. We are one - he has shaped me and I him; we navigate together. But being Landon's mom brings me joy and fulfillment unlike anything else.

In the core of my being I could know that I could just be a wife and a mother forever. I was made for these titles. Mother seems to fit particularly well (maybe I'll sing another tune during the teen years). I would rather scrub food crusties than attend a business meet n' greet, mop vomit than build a complicated spreadsheet, or even wipe up a blow-out than go on a sales call. And when sales calls are necessary I'll pedal Girl Scout cookies with more gusto than I would software packages.

However, it's difficult to shake those feelings of guilt. Guilt that I could/should be doing more. Guilt for not having a "real" paycheck. Guilt for not being financially creative - not selling crafts on etsy, starting my own business, or getting a higher online education while my baby naps.

It's not RJ that puts pressure on me. It's my own need to fit into california culture. Society has created the bionic woman - she can do it all. She cleans, cooks, parents, shops, blow-dries, volunteers, works, and does it all smiling. If she does succumb to staying home she finds alternative outlets for generating income. And if she can't make money than she has a couple more kids. Because, heaven forbid, she put feet up for awhile.

I am not yet ready for more kids. I can't think of an external revenue source that would be lucrative for my talents, and while I have looked into higher education none of the programs seem "right". My resume is looking bleaker with each passing year. But, when I let go of the guilt, I find that I am really happy.

My feet like a little R&R. Lord willing, we'll only have one child for a few short years. And I want to enjoy it. No guilt. Just motherhood. Pure and unhindered.


Anonymous said...

This is fantastic! Very good writing and even though I'm not a mother, yet, you touched on points that consume my brain at times. FYI when I am building complicated spread sheets or sitting in business meetings I usually think "seems like there should be more to life." Enjoy this phase of Motherhood without guilt! Praise the Lord for what He has given you during this time in your life.

Jessica G. said...

I totally understand how you feel. The thought of going back to work overwhelms me, which is why we aren't planning on me doing it. Yet, somehow I feel lazy staying at home, having fun with Connor all day. Yeah there are bad days, but then there are the fun days at the park and the such. I love it. But like you, I deal with the feelings of inadequacy. And I know those thoughts are not from the Lord. I also know it is good to have real people in my life (like you) who are honest and open about the way that they feel, so I realize I am not alone. Remember, you are right where you are supposed to be and God is so proud of you for putting all that time in raising him to be a man of God.

Jess Roy said...

I'm so glad you're a mommy. :)

Landon is so dang blessed.

SomisSurferGirl said...

great post girl. loving every minute of being an at-home mommy too. these moments are not moments we can ever replace or go back. every minute is precious. gotta get our play-date in order.

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