Lean Not On Your Own Understanding

These past three months have been such a journey of trust and growth in the Lord.

I have wrestled with God in new ways.

I've felt lonely, hurt, angry, disappointed, forsaken...

He can do anything, so why doesn't He bring my baby home? Why keep her from us?

Which lead to bigger, harder questions: Why have you allowed one so young to have a life with such significant loss? Why so much hurt in this world?

Questions I could have given you theological answers to months ago. Spiffy, neat little sermon-ettes about sin and The Fall of man and God's ultimate justice. But now I feel these questions in my bones. That have pierced my heart and go deeper into my soul. Rote theological answers aren't cutting it during these moments.

This is faith.

I've dug into His Word deeper.

Even when I don't want to hear it or sing it I've kept Praise music blaring - in the house, in my car, on my runs. For I know that He is using this wait to grow me and, despite the pain, I hunger for growth. I yearn for more intimacy with him.

I want to know Him more.

A friend recommended the book "Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet" by Sara Hagerty. It's been such a comfort to me during this season. Sara has given words to many of the thoughts and feelings circulating in my own head.

She shares:

"The truth is nothing about adoption is safe. We sign papers and write checks and make timelines as if any part of this process is secure, and then we're shocked when the battle waged in the heavens over these children's lives encompasses the natural. The fields of the fatherless are war stained."

"I'd grown comfortable bracing myself for the worst. It felt safe this way. Thought some layers of this negativity had been shed over the years, it still had a hold on my soul...'the Lord gives and the Lord takes away'...it felt easier to gird up under the taking away. Just in case."

"I prayed the impossible to the God, who, I sensed, kept saying, Ask of Me what you want. This phase fell counter to how I'd figured God to be in the past. It pushed me, again, to consider how I'd envisioned myself as His daughter...in how I approached this adoptions and all of it's uncertainties. God was stretching me to approach Him as a daughter whose desires matter to Him."

I too have struggled with thinking that the worst of God sometimes. Thinking that He sometimes wants us to suffer so that we might grow. God uses suffering for growth but he does not desire us to suffer. He comforts through our suffering. 

(2 Corinthians 1:5)

Instead He desires us to Ask Him for the impossible. (Matthew 7:11) To have HOPE in unforeseen circumstances. 

And so I will continue to hope my daughter home.

I will continue to pray the impossible prayers.

That she will be reunited with us soon. 

That paperwork will be miraculously found.

That we will find favor with all those that touch our case.

I do no understand the "why" of our present circumstances.

But I'm learning that is okay.

For I am to lean on Him and not on my understanding.

That being said, I don't want to sugar-coat my present circumstances. I do believe all these truths and I am living in hopeful expectation. However, that doesn't mean my emotions have completely aligned with my faith. That head/heart disconnect is real; I am living it. The Holy Spirit is at work in me but I still fall to feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, and discontentment. This battle is daily, hourly, and minutely. And I covet your prayers.