Hopeful Expectation

Our baby girl is growing. More than 10 months old now.

Goodness I wish I could share her picture with you - she is just the cutest little thing. Big brown eyes, tight little curls, a dimple, squishy brown thighs.  

It's been nearly 4 months since our referral and things have been moving s l o w l y. 

We had a major set back in May when our adoption agency realized that her paperwork was much further behind than they originally anticipated. 

So far behind that we concluded we would definitely not make it to her before court closures for the rainy season. (Ethiopian court closes for 2-3 months every year during the rainy season.)

This was a major blow.

My emotions ran the gauntlet of desperate weepy tears to raging anger. 

The Lord, in his gentleness, let me feel all my feelings. 

I felt freedom to express to Him my frustration and hurt. 

I had asked Him to open doors so that I hold her before she was one. Why wasn't He?

I had told him I would wait forever pre-referral but I didn't want to wait post-referral.

So why were other people, who had waited less time than us pre-referral, moving forward and we were not?

Sometimes He comforted me immediately.

Sometimes He did not.

But I knew He always heard me and mourned with me.

I have a novellas worth of journal entries form the past two months.

Finally I surrendered. 

Although I didn't like it I settled into knowing we wouldn't make court before closure.

I trust God's ways.

Then, just last week, a glimmer of hope.

It's just a teeny tiny glimmer.

But it is sparkling. 

Part of me wants to turn my back on it. 

Ignore it. 

Hope is scary. 

Hope leaves me feeling vulnerable.

But, I can't help but taste it just a bit.

Without hope life is gray, dull, lifeless.

I don't want to live hopelessly.

So we are asking for big miracles.

Miracles that paperwork will be found, that officials with look favorably upon our case,

that time will stand-still enough to get us to Ethiopia before September. 

We will ask in hopeful expectation.

For I am choosing to live in hopeful expectation and not expectant despair.

Sleep in her bed with our photo (and the elephant the boys sent her.)