I'm A Hot Mess

Seriously.

I'm as moody as a singing tween in a Disney sitcom. 

Feeling overjoyed one second, hopeful the next, and literally weeping a moment later.

I knew waiting post-referral was going to be hard, but this is really, really hard. I've know other adoptive parents and they've never seemed quite as emotional as I am post-referral. Maybe it's because I've waited so long that I'm constantly fighting back tears and the overwhelming urge to sprint to LAX and get on a plane. Or maybe it's because the referral is still fresh and I haven't settled into the waiting yet. Whatever it is, I don't really like it. 

I am (obviously) overjoyed to have our referral.

To know at least a little bit about the beautiful baby girl that is going to join our family.

To have a name and a face for my prayers. 

(And, oh-my-gosh friends, she is soooo beautiful!)

I also have complete faith and hope in Jesus. 

He absolutely had purpose in our long wait before referral.

I'm being one-hindered percent honest when I say that I am grateful for His timing over mine. 

And I know He is in this timing too.

He's orchestrating everything. He is in control.

I know that and I believe it.

But my emotional, Mama-heart still longs to hurry God along and get her home already.

She turned another 7 months a few days ago.

It's agonizing to know she's growing without me there.

She is getting excellent, loving care right now and she's in a very safe, warm environment.

But she doesn't have her Mama, Daddy and brothers around her.

She's not yet in her forever home. 

I am desperate to hold her and snuggle her. Kiss her cheeks and hair and lips. Sing to her and rock her. Give her warm baths and feed her perfectly nutritious food. I want to play with her baby toes and give her belly raspberries. Tickle her chin and nuzzle her hair.  

It's hard to be a mother from 9000 miles away.