Was Blind But Now I See

this post is really long.

just a warning.

I've had a really blessed life. My parents gave me a wonderful, fun, loving, supportive childhood. The junior high experience was a little bit rough, but who's wasn't?! I wouldn't say High School was the best time of my life, but I can honestly say I enjoyed it. The college years were a blast. I married an amazing man; and while we do have our difficult moments we have each other, a beautiful boy, our health, RJ has a job, etc. Life hasn't been completely struggle free, I've had personal struggles and some difficult relationships, but all-in-all I've been spared the truly difficult road. For now.

One of my biggest struggles in this Christian life is fear of trial. Because I've never had to wade through a traumatic experience (death of a loved one, illness, poverty, infertility, etc.) I am fearful of those moments. The Lord doesn't promise us an easy life. Actually, He tells us quite the opposite, we will go through trials. Everyone does. We live in a fallen world. And I know that when I an faced with a trial the Lord will be my Rock. I am confident in His promises to uphold me. (Just look at how He is working good in the lives our the Merrick family.)

But sometimes I still let the fear grip me. Sometimes I forget that the Lord wants Good things for me. That He works all things together for good; that those who are struggling the most are often the closest to Him. As Francis Chan said in Sunday's message (paraphrased) - "Part of us should want to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, just so we can see what our Big God will do! He can close the mouths of Lions. Don't you want to see what He'll do when Shepherding you through a crisis?!" I do...and yet, I don't. Despite my knowledge of God and His promises I still want to avoid pain and hurt. I think that's a normal human emotion. And I can allow myself to be human. However, I do think it's wrong to wait in fear for the Big Trial. That fear is sinful - it's not trusting God with my life.

But, despite my sin, God is SO GOOD to me. I am overwhelmed by his LOVE. Look at what He did for me today:

Last night I had a terrible dream. I dreamt I was pregnant and I delivered a beautiful baby girl. She was precious, and chubby, and blond just like her big brother.

And she was blind.

I woke up panicked. Fear gripping me. A blind child! No Lord, please. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Immediately I started praying. I prayed for any future children we might have. I prayed for their health. I prayed for Landon and his health. I prayed for RJ and I. Finally, emotionally exhausted I fell back into a fitful sleep dreaming of disabled children.

This morning I still felt off. Fearful, Worried. I tried reassuring myself with the Lord's promises. Reminding myself that He knows what's best for my life - even if that means raising a child with a disability. I soothed myself by recounting stories of parents with disabled children, and how they love their disabled children just as much as their healthy children. And mind you this thought process is taking up my entire morning and I'm not even pregnant! 

With all this going on inside my head Landon and I took off for the beach. It is gorgeous here today and I thought I would run on the boardwalk before his nap. Most mornings I either run or walk with L and the dog and we listen to the Focus on the Family daily broadcast off my phone.

Today I set up the stroller as usual, buckled in the boy, and turned on my Focus on the Family app to see the topic for today's broadcast. It was a personal testimony - by a BLIND WOMAN. Are you kidding me Lord?!

Not two minutes later I was already crying. (Jogging and crying while pushing a stroller - you should see the stares you get!) For the next twenty minutes I listened to a touching testimony by a beautiful woman who lost her sight in her twenties. She had a toddler at home. She went from seeing to darkness in three weeks. A few years later her husband died of cancer. A single mother without any physical sight. Can you image?!! And yet she found Joy in the Lord. She never questioned why. She got angry, frustrated, and she hurt. And some days she still pounds her pillow, but she is happy. Joyful.

Rather than spending the rest of my day in fear of been meditating instead on her words:

"Just because horrible things have happened to  you doesn't mean you have to life a terrible life."