Mother's Day

Landon was a bit of a fuss-butt yesterday so I didn't get a chance to write my Mother's Day blog on Mother's Day, so I'm being flexible and doing it today even though that seem unconventional (see how much I've learned already!). 

God is so good. 

Mothers Day 2008 - I spent the entire church service bawling. Pastor Britt had asked all the mother's in the room to stand and I ached to join them. 

Mother's Day 2009 - In the church Cry Room with my 3 1/2 week old son. Tears streaming down my face when we joined RJ for worship. 

I've been someone's mom for 26 days and already I've learned SO much - mostly about myself. I had heard that parenting grows and molds you more than anything else. It is one of God's prime opportunities to teach. I just didn't realize how fast the lessons would come. 

During our (first) morning nursing session I like to make a list of things to do for the day. Most of the time there are 10-15 things on that list - little stuff that would take me only 2-3 hours to do if our house was a baby-free zone. I've found that I'm lucky to actually do anything on that list. Landon needs me all the time right now. I am learning that my agenda must be released. I still like to make my list, but unless I want to be frustrated every evening when nothing is checked off, I must let go of my expectations.  Which also means letting go of my pride. My house is messy. My clothes are dirty. My hair looks pathetic. There are dark circles under my eyes. I am relying on friends or insta-meals in order to eat. 

Speaking of eating I can't even eat for myself anymore. Landon has tummy troubles which translates into an intense diet for his Mama. No wheat, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, or gassy foods. In addition to the good eating my little man must be help upright for at least 20 minutes after each meal. It is hard for him to take a nap in his crib b/c his stomach acid gurgles up when he is laying flat on his back - so we spend lots of time taking walks in the stroller, rocking in the chair, in the swing, or strapped to mom's front. 

I've heard some women complain of a loss of identity when they become a mom. I don't feel as though I've lost my identity; rather, I am becoming a better version of myself. Very slowly, through trial, error, and tears I find myself becoming less selfish, more patient, tender, and purposeful. I tend to lose it in an intense emotional situation. When Landon is screaming his head off and I can't figure out what's wrong I am (slowly) learning to take a step back, pray, will myself into a state of calm, and then respond. When I reach for another rice cake rather than a brownie I see the Lord slowly chipping away at my immense selfishness. (Although I do each rice cakes for somewhat selfish reasons. Happy baby tummy = more nap time for Mama.)

Being a mom is hard. Truthfully, it is much harder already than I anticipated. I can't image the lessons I'll learn when he's 2, 7, 12, 16....  But motherhood is a gift and already one of the greatest blessings in my life. I'll never forget the moment they first placed him in my arms. Or the look in his eyes when he focuses on my face (milk-time??!!). Joy overwhelming.