My Heart for Adoption - part 2

Monday, January 24, 2011

Thursday night I was awake from 2-5am, my mind racing with worries, fears, and anticipation.

The motivations I wrote about in the previous post are completely true. But motivation and emotion don't always go hand-in-hand; sometimes they really oppose each other. Like running for example. More often than not the emotional part of me is dragging my feet to the door dreading the huffing, puffing, sweaty, red nastiness that is about to ensue; but, the ability to keep up with Landon at the playground, and having a butt that doesn't wobble, motivate me to lace up my sneakers.

I am genuinely motivated to build our family through adoption. My heart honestly yearns for these children, and I am incredibly excited to bring them home. But lately I have found my emotions aren't always as sweet as my motivations. Having never been a worrier I'm surprised at just how much there is to worry about.

I worry about Landon. I worry about health problems. I worry about my marriage, and the stresses involved with numerous children in our home. My abilities as a mother. Being a biracial family and making sure I handle things properly. I worry about the finances. Having proper responses to the stares in the supermarket. And so forth.

But I know that God has called our family on this journey. I know that every decision we have made thus far has been guided by Him. So I cling to this, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength," Philippians 4:13.  Because if God called you to it, then He will give you the strength to get through.

And I thank my pastor for this:
(If you have ever suffered from worry or anxiety I encourage you to listen to this sermon. SO good)

However, in the past I have found that fear is actually quite different than worry. A bit of healthy fear is probably a good thing. For example, I really wanted to move out and go to college, but when my parents left me in the concrete cell dorm and drove away I was freaking out inside. Weeks before our wedding I got a major case of cold feet. Cold, shivering feet. It only lasted a moment, but it was real. And when pregnant with Landon I had to talk myself off the edge a few times. Reminding myself that God was creating Landon in my womb, so no matter what happened he would be born perfect in God's eyes. In my opinion, when you are facing a huge life change the absence of healthy fear is actually scarey. Because, it means that you might not truly understand the gravity of what is happening. The weight of the impending life change.  So please pray that I won't turn that fear into worry, by dwelling and stewing, but instead that I will put everything at the feet of the Lord and trust Him completely.


Erin said...

Praying for you friend. I know you're called to do this. God will give you the strength, the patience, and the ability to do it all. Praying that you'll feel his peace about everything more than ever.

Jess Roy said...

We're praying for you Anna! I feel like God led me to your blog first thing this morning - your post really spoke to me. Thanks, as always, for sharing as you do. We love you!

The Pinheiro Family said...

Hi Anna,
I have thought about you a lot lately as the preschool I work at and Sierra attends has several children that are adopted, many of them creating bi-racial families. There have been small things for them to work through as the children adjust to and realize that there will always be enough food and someone to pick them up and give them a big hug, but these are also sweet realizations. Cole and I were feeling much like the Lord was leading us down a similar path... and he may be still in the future, however he has thrown a surprise in. But you are spot on, what ever he leads your family to, he will give you all the strength to embrace it. And that fear you have, it's helping you ask some of the important questions to be prepared. I will be praying for you on your journey and look forward to hearing more.

Two Cent Sparrow.
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